Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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