He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
