thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize