Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
