It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
