i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
