He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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