plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
