Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
