I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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