Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
