dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
