Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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