why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
