your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
