I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
