i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
COCAINE IS GR8
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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