I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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