I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
