I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
