If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
