the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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