What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
