apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
