im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
