Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
