I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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