____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize