He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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