Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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