She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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