yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
