sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
