I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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