There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
