sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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