I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
