The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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