Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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