My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
