I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
