see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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