Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize