Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
