Just mADE A PArabola og urine
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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