: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize