just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My breasts were aching with rage.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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