i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
