im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
