I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
