Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
