what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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