Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
