Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize