So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
