dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
