Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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