Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
