Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
