You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
