# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
