Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize