Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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