i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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