Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
