I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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