Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize