got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You did what with his pubic hair?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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